


god is NOT a woman

by orphan_account



Series: much ado about stray kids [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Crack, Fluff, Gen, M/M, chat fic, other kpop idols mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-09-20 17:06:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 6,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17026698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: squirrel: hyung yknow what i said last weekI am your father: i dont even remember what you told me yesterdaysquirrel: r00dsquirrel: anyways i retract the statement I made, god is not a woman (sorry hwasa ily) god is a man and I dont know his name





	1. press f to pay respects

**sriracha + gays**

 

squirrel: hyung yknow what i said last week

 

I am your father: i dont even remember what you told me yesterday

 

squirrel: r00d

 

squirrel: anyways i retract the statement I made, god is not a woman (sorry hwasa ily) god is a man and I dont know his name

 

Ursa Major: In more important news, Professor Lee got fired for trying to sell weed to kids

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: wait holup 

 

binniebinne: by bobby

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: hyuuuung

 

binniebinnie: sorry my inner ikonic came out

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: n e gays, jisung has a love interest, jisung has a love life?

 

squirrel: wtf do you mean jisung has a love life?

 

binniebinnie: when was the last time you dated someone

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: jisung sweaty,,, your love life is drier than the sahara and that's the super saturated tea

 

squirrel: I-

 

I am your father: WAIT!!!!

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: what???

 

I am your father: Professor Lee was fired??!

 

Ursa Major: Gee thanks for noticing senpai

 

binniebinnie: the amount of saltiness I-

 

squrrel: exuser moi, but wasnt this about me

 

Ursa Major: (:

 

squirrel: nvm

 

Ursa Major: Felix was right. You don't have a love life.

 

squirrel: 7THB5BRVEDRX

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: jisunf.exe has malfunctioned press f to pay respects

 

binniebinnie: f

 

I am your father: f

 

Ursa Major: F

 

squirrel: felix stop talking for a sec

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: that's rich coming from you

 

squirrel: somebody stayed up past their nedtime and now theyre all cranky 

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: nOw LiStEn hErE yOu CoUnT

 

I am your father: Count

 

binniebinnie: count

 

squirrel: count

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: woojina hyung, your the only one I trust

 

Ursa Major: First of all, dont call me that. Second of all its you're. Thirdly ew. 

 

Ursa Major: And lastly... count

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: djxucusisja

 

 


	2. y'all

  


**sriracha + gays**

**  
**

squirrel: god is a man and his name is lee minho 

  


annyeonghaseyongbok: lee minho?

  


I am your father: lee minho!?

  


squirrel: YoU gUyS kNoW hIm! hoe come ive never met the guy

  


I am your father: cause you dont waaaant meet him

  


annyeonghaseyongbok: fir once i agree with chan hyung

  


I am your father: dont know if I should be offended or nah but we Australisns have come together for the g8er good

  


Ursa Major: Minho is literally your friend though? You're just mad cause he won a dare

  


I am your father: I KNEW HE WAS SHAMELESS BUT I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS THAT SHAMELESS!!!

  


binniebinnie: spill,,, ive only met this guy once,, seemed chill

  


squirrel: yall have met my future beau,, damn I need to move quick before chan gets his thotty hands on him

  


I am your father: Me? Minho? no.

  


Ursa Major: Anyways, to answer your question binnie, Chan dared minho to wear rainbow and sparkle everything on his exam day and he actually did it

  


annyeonghaseyongbok: ohhhh... that explains why he had glitter in his hair when we were practicing that one day

  


squirrel: he goes to your dance studio??!

  


annyeonghaseyongbok: sadly, hes the dance... captain

  


I am your father: im still pissed about that dumbass dare, good convenience store money down the draiin

  


Ursa Major: Chan... nobody. fucking. cares (:

  


I am your father: that hit me right in the heart ):

  


binniebinnie: if you guys are done flirting i want to hear more about this minho giy too

  


annyeonghaseyongbok: well since chan is probably a blushing mess after that little comment i can say that this minho guy isnt that g8

  


Ursa Major: Geez, the man is not even here yet you're throwing shade

  


annyeonghaseyongbok: yknow i dare say that jisung deserves better

  


squirrel: was that a compliment???! but your also insulting bae so liken.. 

  


binniebinnie: keep using words like bae and imma stop talking to you

  


squirrel: ...

  


squirrel: bae

  


binniebinnie: i see how it is you little bitch, i know no han jisung, jisung who???

  


squirrel: n e gays,,, tell me some good things anout the most beautiful man ive ever seen

  


binniebinnie: im guessing youve never seen hyunjin then 

  


squirrel: so now you suddenly talk to me! AND HYUNJIN IS MY FRIEND YOU TURD!

  


annyeonghaseyongbok: how do both of yall know hyunjin and i but dint knos minho

  


Ursa Major: *Me and hyunjin but go off I guess 

  


annyeonghaseyongbok: I breathed 

  


Ursa Major: Then stop

  


binniebinnie: isnt felix your favourite of all of us

  


squirrel: ysll know I'm still here right

  


Ursa Major: Yup, sadly, but if you keep using y'all you wont be here for much longer (:

  


squirrel: Wow, suddenly I can formulate coherent sentences.

  


I am your father: Get yourself a man who can make jisung more tolerable 

  


binniebinnie: well look whose back tothe land of the living 

  


squirrel: I- I was conceived 

  


Ursa Major: If only they made condoms back then like they do now

  


annyeonghaseyongbok: is it just me or is woojin hyung being exceptionally salty today

  


Ursa Major: Big words felix 

  


Ursa Major: Nvm I see what you mean

  


I am your father: wanna talk?

  


Ursa Major: We're literally in the same apartment but sure

  


Ursa Major: Srry Jisung 

  


squirrel: no problem hyung, you have a big college assessment coming up right? must be stressful ):

  


Ursa Major: Still, I was a bit too harsh

  


Ursa Major: And a piece of advice just talk to the guy, you have mutual friends? Plus you make music, I'm sure you can work something out.

  


squirrel: thx hyung! you're the only helpful one around here

  


annyeonghaseyongbok: wow rood 

  


binniebinnie: that was... almost.... sweet

  


I am your father: fuck of either your emo shit binnie, we'll be back in 3 hours, apparently Mary Poppins returns is the shit

  


squirrel: have fun kids, dont stay up to late and use 

  


Ursa Major: Don't say it

  


squirrel: -your pockets so that you dont lose your ticket stubs

  


Ursa Major: (:

  


binniebinnie: anyways byyyyyeeee

  


_**felix lee has created a groupchat** _   


_**felix has added seo changbin and han jisung to the group chat** _

_**felix lee has named the groupchat 'Woochan is sailing'** _

  


seo changbin: should i even ask???  

  


felix lee: nope!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> felix lee? lee felix? eh
> 
> I find it hard to write chatfics with the slang, though I've been speaking English for years its still hard to pick up the slang


	3. facepalms in gay

**2/3 of 3racha**

 

channie: quietly wondering i even exist

 

dak: so im assuming your date didnt go well

 

channie: it wasnt a date

 

dak: ...

 

channie: binnie, my favourite dongsaeng

 

dak: what do you want?

 

channie: I dont  _want_ anything... I just want to ask you a question

 

dak: and there it is, sure shoot away

 

channie: say, if you were with felix, and you permaybehaps kissed him, what would you expect as a reaction 

 

dak: so you kissed woojin?

 

channie: ...

 

dak: and he reacted badly?

 

channie: nope, didnt stick around long enough to find out

 

dak: dont tell me

 

channie: yeah

 

dak: hyung....

 

channie: I know...

 

dak: talk to him hyung,,, thats a dick move, kissing someone and just leaving

 

channie: I know... I was just

 

dak: scared... yeah I get it

 

channie: yeah I'll go talk to him, ttyl changbin

 

dak: go get em tiger 

 

channie: never say that again

 

dak: gooooo

 

channie: okay okay!

 

**Woochan Is Sailing**

 

changbinnie: chan hyung js and idiot

 

cupidwithfreckles: really? who would've thunk 

 

j.one: what did he do???

 

changbinnie: he killed woojin hyung

 

j.one: WHAT NO! 

 

changbinnie: *kissed you idiot

 

j.one: THATS EVEN CRAZIER!

 

cupidwithfreckles: what's the bad part about that! They're making progress, unlike jisung who only knows his supposed soulmates name

 

j.one: well I'd know more if you GUYS HAD TOLD MEN ABOUT HIM!

 

changbinnie: we're not here ti talk about jisung is infatuation, chan kissed woojin and then ran away

 

cupidwithfreckles: huh, *facepalms in gay*

 

j.one: and yall thought I was chaotic

 

j.one: sorry woojin hyung *you all

 

changbinnie: he isnt even here but idgaf, go off 

 

cupidwithfreckles: so what is hyung gonna do about it, or is he gonna start acting like the pussy as Australian he really is

 

j.one: you're talking a lot of smack about a guy who isnt even here

 

cupidwithfreckles: what can i say, im a real sucker for pointing everybody's flaws, mostly my own

 

changbinnie: ANYWAYS! hes gonna go talk to woojin hyung, hopefully 

 

j.one: well since woochan is on a hiatus let's talk about my knight in a tracksuit 

 

_read by cupidwithfreckles and changbinnie_

 

j.one: wow yall really left me on read...

 

changbinnie: *you all


	4. outro tear says hi

 

**97 hyungs**

 

kangaroo: so...

 

woobear: So...

 

kangaroo: im outside

 

woobear: figured

 

**sriracha + gays**

 

squirrel: real problems is when you order a mamamoo lightstick but it arrives late

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: we get it your a moomoo

 

squirrel: have you not seen their mama perf, i was trying to stay loyal to wheein but solar just popped off

 

binniebinnie: I mean highkey though, what's the deal with girlgroups anyways?

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: di d  yo u  r e ally j ust say that w h e n a who le T WI CE e xi st s 

 

binniebinnie: 2nd gen is superior (but exid is kind of bae)

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: im afraid we'll have to get a divorce 

 

Ursa Major: Last time I checked you guys werent married but go off I guess. And if you did get married and didn't invite me I'll castrate you.

 

squirrel: great to see your feeling better hyung! how's channie!

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: chan hyung will kill you for that jisung

 

squirrel: he doesnt scroll up to read past texts anyways, and when hes online I'll spam Kermit the frog memes

 

Ursa Major: Or I can just show him the texts (:

 

Ursa Major: Anyways Chan is asleep

 

binniebinnie: so...

 

Ursa Major: So what?

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: by BTS (the superior ly tear title track)

 

squirrel: (outro tear says hi)

 

Ursa Major: What's up with you and your rapper trio being so cryptic 

 

binniebinnie: wdym, im just wondering how it went

 

Ursa Major: Ah so he told you huh? 

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: (so what is an underrated queen, jin's ohs are iconic)

 

binniebinnie: yes, also y'all realize we can see what your saying right? 

 

squirrel: (to the private chat your heathen)

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: (be there or be square)

 

Ursa Major: You really want to know what happened

 

binniebinnie: yup, I want the tea and I want it hot

 

Ursa Major: Never say that again

 

binniebinnie: alright 

 

Ursa Major: Anyways.. there Chan was, in our shared apartment, since he had run off to god knows where. He was literally the living embodiment of a keyboard smash, could literally not understand what he was saying

 

binniebinnie: sounds like chan 

 

Ursa Major: So I kissed him, told him that I liked him and that hes way too obvious and awkward.

 

binniebinnie: hmm, damn hyung. I stan a confident king.

 

Ursa Major: I think felix and jisung are getting to you

 

binniebinnie: probably, notice how you capitalize chan hyungs name but not the idiots 

 

Ursa Major: Maybe that's because I only refer to them as dumbasses 

 

binniebinnie: makes sense, at least your guys' love story is finally coming together. while I'm here single and supposed to be writing a thesis.

 

Ursa Major: Uhuh, go child, succeed at life unlike me!

 

binnibinnie: yes father!

 

**smart and smarter**

 

jisungtheintellectual: okay but magic shop is highkey the best ot7 song of that album!

 

intellectualfelix: ummm 134340 says hi

 

 


	5. animesexual

 

**minhoes garden hoes**

 

prettylips: hyung I need help

 

minhoe: since the only hyung you have here is me I'm assuming I'm who this request is meant for

 

minhoe: also no

 

zerefdeservedbetter: wow rood

 

minnietheangel: still in your fairy tail phase I see

 

zerefdeservebetter: Is that judgement I see? DONT MESS WITH ME I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE!

 

prettylips: but why hyung?

 

minnietheangel: ew. memes. I'm suddenly having war flashbacks.

 

minhoe: cause I know whatever you're gonna ask is stupid as fuck, I mean, half of the shit that comes out of your mouth is bull

 

prettylips: gee thanks

 

minhoe: ask seungmin, he likes you, at least more than I do

 

prettylips: thanks for helping me out hyung! (:

 

minhoe: fuk off

 

minnietheangel: who was that guy who kept doing fortnite dances at your guys' dance practices

 

prettylips: oh. yongbok.

 

minhoe: excuse me while I go wheeze

 

zerefdeservedbetter: fortnite is still a thing 

 

minnietheangel: sadly, just like how people who think that fairy tail is a good anime still exists, natural selection is faulty it seems

 

zerefdeservedbetter: did you just-

 

minnietheangel: I just did

 

zerefdeservedbetter: listen here thot, fairy tail is the best shit ever, like have you freaking seen jellal, that man made me animesexual

 

minhoe: Tmi jeongin, plus, you're calling seungmin, the kid who'd rather spend his Friday night studying than actually being social a thot?

 

zerefdeservedbetter: forgive me father for I have sinned

 

minhoe: correction "sorry daddy, I've been naughty"

 

prettylips: duzueHjsjwjw

 

prettylips: I hate you

 

minhoe: do you really (ﾉ≧ڡ≦)

 

prettylips: yes

 

prettylips: ANYWAYS! I feel like the souls felix controls are gonna come after me after I said his name

 

minhoe: why are you talking like hes possessed (i mean besides from the memes that have rotted his brain)

 

prettylips: He  IS possessed hyung! he has freckles! HE PROBABLY EXCESSIVELY SNEEZED WHEN I SAID HIS NAME!

 

minnietheangel: you wrote it but go off I guess

 

zerefdeservedbetter: didnt take you for the superstitious type hyung

 

prettylips: never thought I was either until I met the scariest boy ever, lee felix

 

minhoe: hes literal sunshine, like even i, in mmy right mind, can uwu because hes pure 

 

minnietheangel: say that to my ptfd

 

prettylips: dont you mean PTSD???

 

minnietheangel: p (post) t (traumatic) f (fortnite) d (disorders)

 

zerefdeservedbetter: makes sense, I think I have a nasty case of that to

 

minhoe: well this was interesting as always, but I gtg, i have work

 

prettylips: thought you got Thursday nights off?

 

minhoe: not today I guess

 

zerefdeservedbetter: cheong jojun balsa!

 

zerefdeservedbetter: but hyunjin hyung is right, you need to rest. how do you even balance uni, work and dance?

 

minnietheangel: wait for it

 

zerefdeservedbetter: I AM THE ONE THING IN LIFE I CANT CONTROL

 

minhoe: cause I'm fucking lee minho

 

minhoe: also go back to wheremst you cameth from theatre nerd

 

prettylips: have a good day at work hyung

 

minhoe: are you patronizing me?

 

prettylips: of course not bitch now go

 

minhoe: do you a side hoe coming over? is that what this is? you got some thot to take care of your deeds

 

prettylips: seungmin is not some thot! he cares for me, unlike you, you're never home when I need you! At least he helps me in my times of need

 

minnietheangel: never offered to help but go off I guess

 

prettylips: so you arent gonna help me? ):

 

minnietheangel: of course I will idiot

 

zerefdeservedbetter: ew 

 

minhoe: dang I was really getting into my part, but I guess it's for the best I gtg

 

minhoe: btw, I hope felix haunts you hyunjin

 

minhoe: seungmin you have no taste in anime

 

minhoe: jellal is the hottest anime dude ever and I'd kill to be era

 

zerefdeservedbetter: *tears up* I cant believe I'm saying this, but... minho is an intellectual

 

prettylips: gtg better call an exorcist

 

zerefdeservedbetter: seungmin going to your place right

 

prettylips: yeah and???

 

zerefdeservedbetter: dont waste your time with a church guy, everything runs away from seungmin so you'll be fine if hes around you

 

minnietheangel: better take your own advice and start running

 

zerefdeservedbetter: ominous

 

zerefdeservedbetter: y e e t

 

 


	6. you named your apartment?

 

**minhoes garden hoes**

 

monokumaisbae: real problems is when you live in Korea and hamilton arent coming anytime soon, but even if they did come youre too broke

 

minnietheangel: you moved on from fairy tail fast

 

monokumaisbae: I didnt MOVE on, i was simply in a monokuma type mood today

 

prettylips: a sadistic mood?

 

monokumaisbae: who knows? (:

 

minhoe: danganrompa is some fucked up shit yknow 

 

minhoe: I mean I'm not saying it's bad just fucked up

 

prettylips: mkay, how the night shift

 

minhoe: doesnt matter I quit

 

monokumaisbae: wait what why?

 

minhoe: changed my schedule even though I told them I can only work nights and early mornings 

 

minnietheangel: that job was pretty trash

 

minhoe; i feel like a free man yknow

 

prettylips: okay then

 

prettylips: how are you going to pay rent for that dumbass studio apartment you've poured all your money in

 

minhoe: dont make fun of Sally

 

minnietheangel: you named your apartment?

 

minhoe: ofc not, Who do you take me for?

 

monokumaisbae: I dont know, from some angles I swear you resemble that one guy in spongebob 

 

minhoe: haha very funny

 

minnietheangel: you're saying that you dont remember a spongebob character but you know the whole original cast (including most of the backup dancers) of Hamilton 

 

monokumaisbae: pretty much 

 

minhoe: anyways I already have an interview 

 

prettylips: damn hyung you move fast, where is it

 

minhoe: this new cafe owned by someone one of my old dance hyung knows

 

minnietheangel: sounds legit

 

minhoe: ANYWAYS I gtg

 

 monokumaisbae: you're always busy hyung, you still have to watch mary poppins returns with us 

 

minhoe: i know, but Sally doesn't pay herself 

 

prettylips: ??? you did name your apartment 

 

minhoe: oh fuck off 

 

minhoe: and of course I'll be there, when have I ever broken my promises!

 

minnietheangel: 3 grade science fair when you said you'd bring the dry ice for me since you were a sixth grader, but you ended up bringing a bag of air

 

minhoe: now that you mention it, I wont break  **this** promise

 

monokumaisbae: you better not

 

**sriracha + gays**

 

squirrel: now that the woochan saga is over let us talk about my knight in shining denim

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: I could've sworn it was a tracksuit 

 

squirrel: that was until I saw his thighs in jeans

 

Ursa Major: so you saw him again and didnt talk to him

 

squirrel: because he was talking to chan and I didnt wanna interrupt 

 

I am your father: more like you were being a bitchass in the corner

 

Ursa Major: Youd know all about bitchasses huh?

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: oof, chan just got murdered, press h to pay respects

 

squirrel: we arent doing this again

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: fuck you too

 

binniebinnie: chan was right anyways, jisung is a pussy ass bitch

 

squirrel: I can feel the love

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: well everybody has their kinks

 

I am your father: begone thot

 

Ursa Major: Ah so now you're back

 

I am your father: it took me some time to recover yes, but I'm back and better than ever

 

binniebinnie: keep telling yourself that

 

I am your father: you'll get to see your knight or whatever again tmrw, hes coming so he can choreograph zone 

 

squirrel: excuse me while i go die

 

 


	7. maybe if you stanned loona

 

**minhoes garden hoes**

 

_**yang jeongin changed his name from monokumaisbae to hyunjinisbae** _

 

prettylips: awe you really did that, for lil ole me

 

hyunjinisbae: ew. get out of here with your irrelevant is ass, the only relevant hyunjin is hyunjin from loona

 

minhoe: can you imagine being as dumb as me?

 

minnietheangel: no but go on

 

minhoe: totally forgot to choreograph that one song chan wanted me to do

 

hyunjinisbae: maybe if you stanned loona things like this wouldn't happen 

 

minhoe: HahauahbshaHHvabajwisj

 

minhoe: I'm almost choked sahing this but hyunjin I need your help

 

minnietheangel: you wrote it but go off

 

prettylips: are you really asking little ole me for help (btw (g)i-dle is superior)

 

minhoe: nvm I'll ask felix 

 

hyunjinisbae: (: fite. me (:

 

prettylips: okay hyung run along, jeongin i may be gay but I'd let soojin step on me and I'd thank her for it 

 

hyunjinisbae: STAN LOONA

 

minnietheangel: how about... no

 

prettylips: you dont even listen to music other than day6

 

minnietheangel: I do TOO

 

minnietheangel: like I listen to Twice

 

prettylips: and???

 

minnietheangel: GOT7???

 

prettylips: that's only because I forced you to

 

minnietheangel: but look at where we are now, verse 2 is still one of my favourite albums

 

hyunjinisbae: I'll grudgingly admit that verse 2 is an album bless by the gods

 

prettylips: look at you 2, bonding

 

minnietheangel: wdym, we always bond

 

hyunjinisbae: you mean you always harass me

 

minnietheangel: you're cute though!!! 

 

prettylips: can't blame him

 

hyunjinisbae: don't speak you heathen! your his partner in xrime 

 

minhoe: all of this is fun and all but If you don't help me rn hyunjin I'll remind you and all the others of some of the receipts I have

 

prettylips: wow would you look at the time!!!

 

minnietheangel: bye gays

 

hyunjinisbae: bye

 

minnietheangel: guess it's just you and me

_read by hyunjinisbae_

 

minnietheangel: wow, cold

 

**dance for me hoes**

 

mango: yooooooo 

 

yourboi: its ya boiii, skinny felix 

 

thatonethot: I forgot this shit existed, hey felix

 

yourboi: what's up bitch

 

thatonethot: nothing much thot

 

yourboi: boring day slut?

 

mango: OKAY! MUch as I love this bright display of affection we have work to do

 

yourboi: and I'm out

 

mango: f e l i x

 

yourboi: hyung yes hyung

 

mango: as you've probably heard I've been assigned to the treacherous task of choreographing a 3racha song just cause

 

mango: and hyunjin agreed to help ke out of the goodness of his heart

 

mango: you're going to agree to help me because I own you bitch

 

yourboi: hyung yes hyung

 

thatonethot: anyways let's get started, send me the song hyung

 

mango:  chanisabitch.mp3

 

thatonethot: should be easy, very hip hop influenced

 

mango: yeah but not in the sense of popping you know, like something powerful but more fluid than sharp

 

yourboi: then let's get to work! You have time rn?

 

mango: I'm just doing some vocabulary stuff for my degree

 

thatonethot: I still dont get why you didnt go to the art school though, chan goes there, so does changbin 

 

mango: is changbin the one with the sharp jawline

 

yourboi: so sharp it could... it could

 

yourboi: cut you

 

mango: anyways, nursing suits me more, and it's also my last year so

 

thatonethot: whatever you say

 

mango: you'll understand when you're older, it's not that I dont like dance, but I spent the better part of my teenage years doing it overseas and it was... too much. 

 

mango: fun as a hobby and a passion, but idk about professional career

 

yourboi: I get it, im still not sure what im going to do once im done high school this uear

 

thatonethot: this got serious fast, I dont like it

 

mango: ANYGAYS! Meet up at 4 pm tmrw??

 

thatonethot: okay

 

yourboi: sure dude

 

mango: .

 

yourboi: *HYUNG

 

yourboi: it was your boi, skinny felix

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. delete yourself

 

**minhoes garden hoes**

 

geometricalboy: imma make a remix to the best song ever

 

minnietheangel: please don't

 

geometricalboy: always aiming geometrical shapes at me when you're around, you call me challenged yet you keep giving out freaking tests that make no fucking sense

 

prettylips: dont know what you were aiming for but if that was a parody of alphabet boy you failed

 

geometricalboy: *softly but with feeling* oof

 

minhoe: yo kid

 

minnietheangel: which one of us are you referring to

 

minhoe: easy way to discern the difference 

 

minhoe: see, if I were to say yo satan, I'd be talking to you

 

minnietheangel: good to see my actions have not been in vain

 

geometricalboy: fuck off with your edgy tumblr ass 

 

prettylips: at least we dont cry over the death of someone who has been dead for 200 plus years

 

geometricalboy: shut up! EACKER SHOULDVE COUNTED TO 7! Plus you cried over the titanic 

 

prettylips: DON'T @ ME B

 

minhoe: anyways, if I were to say yo pretty boy or yo crybaby it'd be about hyunjin

 

prettylips: nice to see what you remember me as hyung

 

geometricalboy: Ha!

 

minhoe: dont worry jinnie I have much worse names ((((((((:

 

geometricalboy: and me?

 

minhoe: well obviously youre yo kid

 

geometricalboy: then what were you trying to ask me

 

minhoe: idk, lost my train of thought

 

minnietheangel: seems to happen often doesnt it

 

**that's my baby (TM)**

 

uwu: do you ever look at someone and wonder what is going on inside their head?

 

notbyungchan: with felix. all the time.

 

uwu: you dont have seungmin as a neighbor, you don't know pain

 

notbyungchan: you're braver than the marines

 

uwu: ANYWAYS! i was in our groupchat, but the others were being banshees

 

notbyungchan: strong word choice

 

uwu: speaking of strong word choices I have a few for you hyung!

 

notbyungchan: oh really!?

 

uwu: HOW COME I HAD TO HEAR THAT YOU WERE DSTING WOOJIN HYUNG FROM HYUNJIN HYUNG SIWICUSJWJAJJ

 

notbyungchan: soz jeongin

 

uwu: my parents finally get together and nobody tell me );

 

notbyungchan: we literally became a thing like yesterday 

 

notbyungchan: whi told hyunjin anyways??!

 

uwu: chanfbin hyung

 

notbyungchan: why am i not surprised

 

uwu: you tell me, anyway I'm still mad at you ):

 

notbyungchan: soz

 

uwu: it's alright I've gotten over it

 

notbyungchan: excuse me while I go beat up changbin 

 

uwu: GO HYUNG!

 

**sriracha + hoes**

 

I am your father: you told the dancing child about me woojin?

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: oops

 

binniebinnie: oops

 

squirrel: ???

 

I am your father: felix????

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: nvm

 

I am your father: what????

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: I thought you meant minho hyung

 

Ursa Major: You told Minho?

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: is that a bad thing??

 

squirrel: did I hear my prince's name??!

 

binniebinnie: shut up jisung

 

Ursa Major: felix your poor innocent child

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: ???

 

Ursa Major: You'll be needing a new dance captain??

 

I am your father: wdym

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: wdym??!

 

Ursa Major: He was bugging me all day. I'm going to kill him

 

squirrel: NUUUUUUUU hyung dint plz i beg

 

Ursa Major: Then beg and grovel (:

 

squirrel: ill buy you chicken 

 

Ursa Major: Deal

 

I am your father: gimme some, chris is hungry

 

Ursa Major: no

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: oof I felt that

 

I am your father: harsh, right in the heart

 

I am your father: right changbin I'm gonna kill and I have a feeling jisung wint stop this

 

squirrel: nope go ahead, more lines for me

 

binniebinnie: wow

 

binniebinnie: and what did I do?

 

I am your father: you told hyunjin, that boy is so overdramatic (not 0urposefully like felix) and hes gonna be all over me next time he comes over

 

Ursa Major: Its true

 

squirrel: you arent jealous that hyunjin literally drapes himself over chan?

 

Ursa Major: Sweaty, Hyunjin literally drapes himself over everyone, the least you can do is be thankful you arent jeongin 

 

squirrel: jeongin? I've heard hyunjin and seungmin mention him?!

 

binniebinnie: I forgot that you dont know him, poor you

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: how come yall are social butterflies and I'm a cacooned caterpillar

 

I am your father: Look at you go felix

 

Ursa Major: Anyways the only person Hyunjin doesnt dare cuddle with is Minho

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: cause hes nasty

 

squirrel: watch your mouth sinner 

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: make me

 

I am your father: Let's get back on track 

 

I am your father: where do we keep our knives?

 

Ursa Major: Knife block in the cabinet above the dishwasher 

 

binniebinnie: you guys have a dishwasher? rich people problems

 

Ursa Major: (:

 

squirrel: I'd run if I were you chamgbin hyung

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: what do you want inscribed on your grave hyung

 

binniebinnie: quod non cogito ergo sum

 

squirrel: what does that mean?!

 

binniebinnie: idek

 

squirrel: delete yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. 6÷2(1+2)=

 

**sriracha + gays**

 

I am your father: jisung malfunctioned 

 

Ursa Major: how

 

binniebinnie: we were meeting up with the dancers or whatever 

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: harsh hyung, is that what I am to you,,,, or whatever?! ‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

 

binniebinnie: aNyWaYs that minho guy thing person that jidung has been fantasizing about for a week asked him what the answer to 6÷2(1+2) was

 

I am your father: and the bitch answered 1

 

squirrel: ehdhHahwuuwjana

 

squirrel: it IS one tho 

 

squirrel: and minho hyung said it's 1 too which means its 1

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: minho hyung??? (;

 

squirrel: stfu

 

I am your father: You guys are a match made in heaven cause you're both dumbasses, ITS NINE

 

squirrel: nope

 

binniebinnie: I have to agree with jisung on this one soz hyung

 

I am your father: dutsoysluel6rlvoyci 

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: could it not be both???! depending on which operation you use

 

I am your father: ....

 

I am your father: nope

 

binniebinnie: what do you think woojin hyung?

 

Ursa Major: Easy

 

Ursa Major: The answer is to

 

squirrel: you're killing me with the suspense hyung

 

Ursa Major: Stream Getting Closer because math is fucking homophobic 

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: whelp I guess you have your answer guys 

 

binniebinnie: 6÷2(1+2)=homophobia 

 

squirrel: wait couldn't the answer also be 4??!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw this whole debate on Twitter and it had me rolling, what do yall think. Also to help you visualize who knew/was friends with who before this fic takes place here:
> 
> Hyunjin's friends - all 8 of them
> 
> Minho's friends - Chan, Woojin, Felix, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Jeongin
> 
> Changbin friends - Chan, Woojin, Jisung, Felix, Jeongin, Hyunjin, Seungmin
> 
> Seungmin's friends - Everyone except felix 
> 
> Jeongin - Changbin, Hyunjin, Minho, Chan, Woojin, Seungmin 
> 
> Felix's friends - Hyunjin, Minho, Chan, Changbin, Jisung, Woojin
> 
> Woojin - All 8 of them
> 
> Chan - All 8 of them 
> 
> Jisung - Everyone except Jeongin and Minho
> 
> sorry for the short chapter! I was wondering if any of you stanned nct cause I was planning on doing a canon fic about them?


	10. assert dominance

 

**minhoes toolshed**

 

prettylips: look at that weve been promoted 

 

iloveyoulikelala: wow minho hyung you are too kind

 

minhoe: shut up child

 

minnietheangel: how was your guys Christmas?

 

minhoe: busy and stressful, fuck jesus and this big ass party he throws every year

 

iloveyoulikelala: imagine how trashed heaven must be after the party

 

prettylips: Christmas  good, thx for asking. would have been better if you were there too

 

iloveyoulikelala: 0_0

 

minnietheangel: jinnie have I ever told you that you're like the sun?

 

prettylips: nope but go on

 

minnietheangel: which means I'm an icarus, I'm falling because if you

 

prettylips: uwu

 

minnietheangel: uwu

 

minhoe: ew 

 

iloveyoulikelala: wtf happened yesterday

 

prettylips: oh

 

prettylips: we're a THING now

 

minhoe: gasps NOOOOOO

 

minhoe: werent you guys a thing since like 6 years ago??

 

minnietheangel: details details

 

iloveyoulikelala: what even goes on in your love life?!

 

prettylips: actually funny story

 

minhoe: ???

 

prettylips: you know how we were with chan hyung

 

iloveyoulikelala: yeah?

 

prettylips: well one of me and seungmin's friend jisung was there

 

minhoe: seungmin and I but continue

 

prettylips: you were literally there i-

 

iloveyoulikelala: isn't that the squirrel boy

 

minnietheangel: yup

 

prettylips: N e WaYs 

 

prettylips: minho walked in and immediately said

 

iloveyoulikelala: just get on with it!!! the suspense is killing me!

 

prettylips: fine, he said that he was gònna stick his finger in squirrel boys mouth to assert dominance 

 

minnietheangel: no

 

iloveyoulikelala: Y E S

 

prettylips: yeah

 

prettylips: tell them what you said after I asked you what the fuck you were on

 

minhoe: its a common way to greet those who will survive natural selection

 

minnietheangel: you know what nvm

 

prettylips: AND THEN BITCH PROCEDED TO GO UP TO THE DUDE AND INSTEAD ASK HIM THE DUMBEST MATH QUESTION EVER!!!

 

iloveyoulikelala: the answer is 7

 

minnietheangel: you dont even know the question

 

iloveyoulikelala: the answer to everything is 7

 

minhoe: unless its 42

 

prettylips: fuck you hyung and get out of here with your hitchhikers guide to the galaxy shit

 

minhoe: the disrespect 

 

minhoe: plus you got the reference you dweeb so desist 

 

minnietheangel: excuse me whilst I go collect braincells.


	11. gotta mcr

 

 **happy** **new year**

 

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: why did the group chat name change???!

 

squirrel: did you really enjoy being called a hoe?

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: my new years resolution was to not kill you but i think i might break

 

I am your father: ANYGAYS! MERRY JEW YEAR!

 

binniebinnie: please proofread your texts hyung

 

I am your father: oops

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: too late I have the receipts!

 

Ursa Major: Funny cause I also got receipt here to

 

binniebinnie: wow! didnt nct just release teasers???? GOTTA KRIS

 

squirrel: that hit.. right in the cavity of my chest where the main organ of my circulatory system is supposed to be 

 

I am your father: I swear if you dont-

 

I am your father: ANYWAYS!? What's the tea

 

squirrel: felix has been silent?

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: What m-me

 

Ursa Major: Did you just fucking stutter over text?

 

Ursa Major: I was going to change my mind but nah I'm exposing you

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: hyung please I'll do anything

 

squirrel: is that what harnessing the power of all the stones feels like? total power and control over australian asshats?!

 

I am your father: That's my man!?

 

Ursa Major: Changbin

 

binniebinnie: yyyyyes

 

Ursa Major: Were you or were you not kissing a mister Lee Yongbok at 12 am?

 

binniebinnie: I wouldnt call it kissing per say, think more like shaking hands, but with lips

 

squirrel: do you see this bitch?

 

I am your father: sadly

 

Ursa Major: Okay binnie, say that

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: it's the TRUTH

 

squirrel: look who's back to the land of the living

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: I am a child of jesus so I will not break my resolution

 

squirrel: good because i want to be alive long enough to say oPpAr i SaRaNg U to hangbin hyung

 

binniebinnie: dont worry lix you wont have to kill him I'll do it for you

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: THATS MY MAN

 

Ursa Major: ???

 

squirrel: eXpoSeD

 

annyeonghaseyongbok: gotta mcr 

 

squirrel: now that... was just pure cruelty

 

I an your father: okay but are we all just gonna collectively ignore that hendery looks like a godsend

 

binniebinnie: nah man look at stan twt

 

binniebinnie: hey hiding open the door

 

squirrel: gulp


	12. aussieboo

**minnows school of clownfish ******

 

_lee minho changed hwang hyunjin's name from prettylips to aussieboo_

 

minnietheangel: do i wanna know?

 

hellodarknessmyoldfriend: probably not

 

aussieboo: can you believe that minho already broke his new years resolution?

 

minnietheangel: yes I can believe 

 

minhoe: hey at least i lasted for like 4 days

 

aussieboo: but your new years resolution was soooooo eAsY

 

minhoe: it was nooooot

 

hellodarknessmyoldfriend: werent you supposed to be nice for a week

 

minhoe: I dont know how some people do it, kindness is... it was like sticking a pirhana down my throat and waiting for it to either rot from stomachs acid or devour my small intestine 

 

minnietheangel: oddly specific 

 

hellodarknessmyoldfriend: how did you even break it?

 

aussieboo: it was one of those odd days in which minho hyung is cats werent there so we were watching the bachelor or whatever 

 

hellodarknessmyoldfriend: oh spill the tEa I missed it

 

minnietheangel: say tea again and I'll end you

 

aussieboo: anyways, there was this one girl who faked having an aussie accent because apparently "you have to what you can to stand out"

 

minhoe: look me in my soulless eyes and tell me hyunjin isnt an aussieboo

 

hellodarknessmyoldfriend: can't day that I can 

 

aussieboo: mNsjsuzuHualaofowo

 

minnietheangel: I thought we were gonna leave keyboard smashing in 2018

 

hellodarkenessmyoldfriend: we should've left you in 2018

 

minnietheangel: dont hate me cause Im beautiful 

 

aussieboo: maybe that's why jisung hates me...

 

minnietheangel: nobody knows why jisung does anything so eh

 

minhoe: is that the cute kid with the chubby cheeks????! tell me more

 

aussieboo: soz gotta zayne, i heard simon Cowell is cancelled and they asked me to fill in his spot on agt

 

minnietheangel: i have to go find rasputin's remains

 

minhoe: jeongin?

 

jeongin: sorry hyung ive got homework 

 

minhoe: fucking thots 


	13. god doesnt like liars

 

**tAke oFf yOuR bLiNdFoLd**

 

malorie: I still don't understand why I'd be Malorie

 

girl: because you're all no nonsense and all that shit

 

malorie: And why are you girl jisung??

 

girl: because one day you'll learn to love me! )))):

 

malorie: Haha say that

 

boy: so I'm boy?!

 

girl: because woojin hyung actually loves you lixie

 

malorie: I love you too but weird flex

 

girl: im- dont touch me

 

tom: N E GAYS! Lemme continue! I'd be tom because tom is a real one

 

douglas: real questions is why am i Douglas???!

 

girl: maybe it's because your the bitch everyone should listen to but we dint because it do be like that

 

douglas: dont know if I should be flattered or not???

 

malorie: Enough talk about bird box and let's discuss the topic at hand

 

girl: No

 

douglas: he even capitalized his n and everything

 

tom: why won't you get your ears pierced jisung?

 

girl: it's literally getting a piece of metal through your skin??? if I wanted that I'd stab myself!

 

boy: BUT PIERCINGS LOOK SO COOL!

 

girl: youre only saying that hecause youre dating binnie hyung and his ears are literally 90% metal at this point!

 

douglas: we ARENT dating

 

boy: WHAT HE SAID

 

tom: god doesnt like liars you heathens

 

girl: whatever i am still not getting my ears pierced

 

malorie: Well then!

 

malorie: Anyways! is it just me who has realized how toxic rachel and ross is relationship from friends is?

 

boy: FINALLY! I was about to clock this one guy who said and I quote! yOu cAn bE tHe rAcHel tO mY roSs

 

tom: wasnt that ke???

 

douglas: hyung no...

 

tom: in my defense I hadnt finished the show yet!!!!

 

girl: S! M! H

 

tom: now I realize why that girl slapped

 

malorie: tbh I would've slapped you too

 

boy: I have to go so baiiiii 

 

douglas: oh shit me too

 

tom: you guys really arent foolin anyone

 

boy: let us have this one hyung

 

girl: be back by 9 kiddos and have fun eating frozen yogurt!

 

boy: fuck you

 

malorie: Is this where I say 'they grow up so fast?'

 

girl: nah something along the lines of 'you better be fucking using your own wallet bitch'

 

tom: yuppppp and im gone


	14. let me get this straight *gay

 

**minnows school of clown fish**

 

aussieboo: you guys will never believe what happened

 

streamvalkyriebyoneus: *cue that one part in tempo*

 

minnietheangel: what happened???!

 

aussieboo: someone made minho a panicked gay

 

minwhore: Hdjfkfkdjdjfjf

 

minnietheangel: no

 

aussieboo: Y E S

 

streamvalkyriebyoneus: N O

 

aussieboo: Y E Z

 

minnetheangel: who is this person so I can congratulate them for doing the impossible?????!

 

aussieboo: it was jisung djtkfkid

 

minnietheangel: ReAlLy???

 

aussieboo: boi used the vreasiest pick up line ever and managed to make the lee minho fucking blush 

 

aussieboo: B L U S H

 

streamvalkyriebyoneus: who is this jisung guy????! HE MUST BE PART OF SOME HIGHER POWER IF HE CAN MAKE MINHO BLUSH!

 

minwhore: I-

 

minwhore: I'm literally RIGHT here!!!!!!! 

 

aussieboo: shush child

 

minwhore: cHiLD!? I'm your hyung!!!

 

aussieboo: you got your hyung rights revoked as soon as you lost the one thing that actually made me look up to you

 

minwhore: and what's that????

 

aussieboo: your confident gayness duh

 

minwhore: I actually hate all of you

 

streamvalkyriebyoneus: even me?

 

minwhore: especially you!!

 

minnietheangel: dont worry I'll kill him for you jeonginnie

 

minwhore: and suddenly I'm gone

 

**iRoN mAn iN tHe sTrEeTs**

 

babygirl: have I ever mentioned how much I hate all of you????!

 

felixchu: no because you love us too much uwu

 

hannie: dont even try to deny it hyung 

 

babygirl: HDJDKSKS

 

babychangbin: I'm in the mood for the homer bleaching his eyes gif right bout now

 

woobear: What happened???

 

babychangbin: I just had to witness... jisung...

 

babychangbin: flirting

 

felixchu: LE GASP

 

babygirl: you were there felix

 

felixchu: unfortunately

 

hannie: I was NOT flirting

 

babygirl: .

 

hannie: okay maybe i was....

 

babygirl: and that's not even the worse part

 

woobear: It gets worse???

 

felixchu: he managed to make MINHO BLUSH DUFKFKFJDJ

 

woobear: So let me get this straight

 

babychangbin: *gay

 

woobear: Jisung flirted with Minho and managed to make it blush

 

babygirl: you make it sound normal dhdifkf

 

woobear: Honestly the phattest lie I've heard all day

 

hannie: hYuNg

 

woobear: Minho blushing first of all, impossible, but Jisung successfully flirting, when fucking pigs fly

 

hannie: ye with little faith!!! 

 

hannie: I can so flirt successfully

 

babychangbin: once you tried using the 'are you from tennessee' pick up line but you messed up the location and said Idaho

 

babychangbin: then proceeded to improvise and say that you were the ACTUAL hoe

 

hannie: okay but

 

hannie: CHAN HYUNG HAD A BABYGIRL AESTHETIC

 

babygirl: aRe wE sTiLl nOt oVeR tHaT????!

 

babygirl: IT WAS FROM TUMBLR!!!

 

felixchu: what basic bitches ew

 

hannie: you use discord, get outta here thot

 

woobear: Well

 

woobear: Do you guys at least have a fucking picture of Minho blushing

 

woobear: The only time I've seen him red in the face was when he had a fever so

 

woobear: Give me receipts

 

babygirl: soz

 

babygirl: it was over too quick, I was still in SHOCK

 

babychangbin: yall are pathetic tbh

 

 


	15. Lets get down to business

 

_Bang Chan has added Lee Minho, Hwang Hyunjin, Felix Lee, Seo Changbin, and Han Jisung to the chat_

_Bang Chan has named the chat **Strictly Business**_

 

Felix Lee: these names are so dry

 

Seo Changbin: theyre literally our names??!

 

Felix Lee: exactly

 

Felix Lee: dry

 

_Felix Lee has changed their name to FrereJacques_

_Felix Lee has changed Bang Chan's name to CB97_

 

_Felix Lee has changed Han Jisung's name to J. One_

 

_Felix Lee has changed Seo Changbin's name to SpearB_

 

_Felix Lee has changed Lee Minho's name to hoelee_

 

Hwang Hyunjin: why didn't you change mine???

 

FrereJacques: im still mad at you thot

 

Hwang Hyunjin: that was like a week ago?!?

 

CB97: ehem

 

CB97: read the chat name you heathens

 

CB97; STRICTLY BUSINESS!! Take your petty fights about fortnite elsewhere

 

J. One: how did you know it was about fortnite????

 

hoelee: it's always about fortnite witrh felix

 

SpearB: True

 

CB97: aNyWaYs!

 

CB97: Lets get down to business

 

FrereJacques: TO DEFEAT!  


J. One: THE HUNS

 

CB97: I fucking swear

 

SpearB: You actually did swear hyung

 

CB97: stop being smart bin it doesnt suit you

 

Hwang Hyunjin: damn hyung

 

SpearB: I literally breathed

 

hoelee: too loud if you ask me

 

SpearB: I literally dont even know you???

 

hoelee: we can change that (;

 

CB97: I hate you all

 

CB97: i really do

 

Hwang Hyunjin: Even me?

 

CB97: debatable

 

J. One: me?

 

CB97: definitely 

 

FrereJacques: Anygays

 

FrereJacques: what is this for???!

 

CB97: For the song? 

 

FrereJacques: O-O

 

CB97: THE ONE YOU GUYS ARE CHOREOGRAPHING

 

hoelee: careful there old man

 

hoelee: you might burst an artery

 

CB97: aagvskdvakgvakjdsagkudsgaskd

 

**iRoN mAn iN tHe sTrEeTs**

 

hannie: he's good looking, a good dancer, and has a great personality??? god REALLY is a man

 

babygirl: are we talking about the same person??!

 

babygirl: lee minho??! satan fears him

 

hannie: of course satan fears him

 

hannie: he IS a god

 

 


	16. minecraft > roblox

 

**iRoN mAn iN tHe sTrEeTs**

 

daddy: who tf changed my name

 

hannie: felix

 

babychangbin: felix

 

woobear: Felix

 

felixchu: felix

 

felixchu: wait

 

daddy: sleep with one eye open you devil child

 

woobear: Anyways...

 

woobear: What's this I hear about you guys having a groupchat

 

woobear: And NOT including me? (:

 

felixchu: Its just some dumb gc 

 

daddy: THAT YOU NEVER RESPOND TO

 

daddy: and when you do its always memes fnbfhgroiheoagre

 

hannie: then lets just make one big group chat :D

 

babychangbin: never use that emoticon again

 

babychangbin: do you play roblox or some shit??!

 

felixchu: roblox IS better than minecrafr

 

daddy: okay

 

daddy: we ARENT starting this debate

 

babychangbin: because we all know that minecraft was

 

babychangbin: NO IS superior

 

woobear: Shut up (:

 

woobear: Also good idea Jisungie

 

hannie: :D

 

daddy: fine I'll make the cgat you ungrateful brats

 

woobear: (:

 

daddy: except for woojinnie of course uwu

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I need to stop making these things


End file.
